Balance
by Airhead259
Summary: "I don't know what I am anymore." A vision in darkness causes Lightning to seal her emotions away. But as they fight to resurface, she struggles to come to terms with her new self. [Shibuya Operation Story Storm]
1. Chapter 1

_More of a prologue than anything else, but here's the first chapter of my entry for SOSS! Fashionably late, as expected around this time of year I guess. My interest in FFXIII has also been waning slightly, or rather, it's been overtaken by the reawakening of my interest in Kingdom Hearts. I'm still working on Judicium though, and this chapter was interesting to write so I assume I have enough inspiration to finish this story off, at least._

_There are parts of this I would definitely revise, seeing as I'm posting it in a rush. But please do let me know what you think!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own FFXIII or its characters._

* * *

><p><span>Balance: Chapter 1<span>

_'__Was the new world meant to feel this cold and empty?'_

This was the first question that entered Lightning's mind when she opened her eyes and saw nothing but darkness. Something in her surroundings chilled her to the bone, and she wrapped her arms around herself, shivering slightly in the non-existent breeze. The void around her seemed infinite, without a single object or person in sight.

The last thought tugged at her heart in a painful way. "Where is everyone?" she whispered, thinking out loud as she glanced around once again. To confirm a thought that suddenly entered her mind, she looked down at her hands – sure enough, she could see them clearly.

'_So it isn't pitch dark, and I'm not invisible. Something's wrong.'_

"…Serah?" she called out hesitantly, fear creeping into her tone. "Serah, are you there?"

As expected, there was no response. Lightning took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, but it did not make the lump in her throat disappear. _'I…I need to look for them.'_

And so, she began to walk. On an on, she continued into the abyss. Time seemed to crawl forward at a snail's pace; or perhaps it was stagnant, much like Valhalla. The darkness stretched for miles, and she felt as though she was going nowhere, the sag in her shoulders and her shortness of breath the only indicators that she was beginning to tire.

"I can't stop now," she breathed. "I have to keep going."

Then, without warning, she collided with something.

At the impact, she staggered backwards in shock, yet somehow managed to remain on her feet. An invisible barrier materialized before her as a giant surge of energy travelled upwards, and she struggled to regain her bearings and look up only to see the wave disappearing into a cloud of darkness above her. Tentatively, she reached forward with a gloved hand and touched the surface of the barrier. It felt like glass, and a series of ripples formed where her fingertips made contact with it. She felt around, but there were no holes – desperate to move forward, she attempted a punch, then summoned what felt like the last of her magic reserves to cast a massive Thunder spell on it. But the barrier did not even twitch, let alone disappear.

"This world is a prison, meant to keep me here," she gasped in realisation.

"Well, you're only half-right," a voice teased from within the darkness. Lightning whipped her head around only to see a pink-haired girl skipping towards her, a carefree expression on her face. Unfortunately, it was not the pink-haired girl she had been looking for.

"This place is a prison all right, but it's one you built for yourself," the girl continued, wagging a finger in Lightning's face when she drew close enough. "Any guesses as to where you are?"

Despite herself, Lightning looked around – now that she was paying more attention, the darkness did seem eerily familiar. And the fact that Lumina was here in front of her again meant that-

"This is…the inside of my heart," she concluded, placing a hand over her chest, where a sickening feeling was beginning to grow. Lumina grinned and clapped her hands together.

"Bingo!" she exclaimed, twirling around, her skirt flapping around her knees when she came to a stop. It was an unusual sight to see inside a space that should have been devoid of air. "And do you have any idea _why_ you're here?"

Lightning shook her head. "I don't. All I know is that I need to find the others. This…aching in my heart…it can't be a good sign."

The younger girl's grin grew wider. "But you see, Lightning, that's _exactly_ why you're here. Don't you understand?"

The woman looked at her in confusion as she began to explain. "That ache is completely normal. You spent so many centuries in crystal, and you woke up with no emotions. It's only natural that you'd forget what it feels like to…well…_feel_."

"That makes no sense," Lightning snapped. "If that was so important, why would I retreat inside myself?"

"Because you're scared."

Lumina was watching her with something akin to pity in her gaze. "You've been without your emotions for so long, your heart is still trying to seal them away. It doesn't think your body can handle them anymore."

Lightning gritted her teeth. The pain was starting to become unbearable. "I can take it," she hissed. "I just fought a _God_ – this pain is _nothing_. Now where are – augh!"

She fell to her knees as a searing heat ran through her entire body. The girl stepped closer until she towered over Lightning's crumpled form. "Let go of the fear, Lightning. Don't be afraid of losing everything, and you might just be able to control your feelings again."

The sincerity in the girl's voice threw her off. "I…don't trust you, Lumina-!"

"That's like saying you don't trust yourself." The pity had entered her voice now, and Lightning just barely managed to tilt her head upwards to see a melancholy smile on Lumina's face as she spoke. "Accepting your emotions is just the first step towards accepting yourself."

Visions began to flash around Lightning – visions of her comrades fighting, losing, and dying. Snow lying on the ground, a giant shard of crystal piercing his chest. Sazh curled up in a dark corner, allowing himself to be consumed by the Chaos. Hope's mortal form crushed within the palm of a large, immortal hand. The crystallized forms of Fang and Vanille hurtling towards the ground and shattering into a thousand pieces. And her sister's lifeless body clutched in the arms of Noel; the boy himself throwing his body over the edge of an airship and to his death not long after.

It pained her to see their suffering. "I can't lose them all again," she gasped. "And if I do this…if I seal my heart away…it won't happen."

"The visions are a _lie_, Lightning. You can't-"

"-I won't allow it!" Lightning's desperate cry pierced the darkness surrounding her, and Lumina's drew back in response.

The woman was breathing heavily now, trying to push herself upright. "If this is what it is to feel suffering…then I don't want it anymore."

"But if you do that, you'll-"

"Get out of here, Lumina," Lightning growled. "I may have accepted you, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to a word you say. You're a part of _me_, now, and I've made my choice."

The girl let out a sigh, her form now translucent. "Fine, suit yourself," she huffed as she began to fade. "But don't forget – the longer you cut yourself off, the more you'll begin to realise that-"

Lightning jolted awake. A warm summer breeze wafted through the open window, and yet, she shivered, drawing her covers more tightly around herself. Although she knew that she had been dreaming, she could not remember her dream, aside from four ominous words spoken in a solemn tone.

_"__You're no longer human."_

* * *

><p><em>Please do go check out the other entries over at the SOSS community!<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_And here I am, posting Chapter 2 of this fic even as the real SOSS comes to an end. I wish I'd managed to finish this chapter earlier. I had the intro written up, but I only managed to complete and proof the rest of it a few days ago. I want to establish a semblance of character growth within this story, and that makes it a little hard to write without first creating a decent foundation...to be honest, I don't even know whether I'm doing a decent job of it yet. But I guess that remains to be seen._

_With those rambly thoughts out of the way, here's Chapter 2! Please enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own FFXIII or its characters._

* * *

><p><span>Balance: Chapter 2<span>

"Who was your best friend back in middle school, and why?"

Lightning sighed, resting her head upon her folded hands. "Serah, do we _have_ to do this?"

The woman in question brandished a spoon in Lightning's direction. "Yes we do. Now answer the question!"

Another sigh. "Teresa. She lent me her Carbuncle eraser and talked my ear off about Nautilus. It was nice."

Serah observed her older sister with a frown. "And what were you secretly obsessed with as a kid?"

"Moogles. Are we done yet?"

"Did you or did you _not_ have a crush on Lieutenant Amodar?"

"I didn't. I looked up to him as my mentor, and that was about it."

The sound of a pot boiling over made Serah run back towards the stove. Lightning took the opportunity to stuff another spoonful of cereal in her mouth, hoping to prevent her sister from asking her any more questions. Breakfast in the Farron-Villiers household was usually a quiet affair on weekends, mostly because Snow generally left home early to help Sazh with construction on his farm. Today, however, Lightning had made the mistake of mentioning her dream to her sister, who had then immediately decided to test her with questions about their younger days.

"I'm doing this for your own good, sis," Serah insisted as she turned the stove off, giving the contents of the pot a quick stir before returning to the dining table. "For all you know, it could've been real."

Lightning huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes in the process. "Even if it _was_ real, I don't think losing my emotions would affect me much. I've always chosen to keep my feelings to myself."

"Really? I don't believe that."

She looked up at Serah, eyes narrowing slightly. "But I never told you anything about my training, or my work. And you were always off with Snow anyway, so it didn't matter much…"

"See? That's it right there." She giggled. "You never liked me hanging out with Snow, and you always made that clear. I know you punched him _at least_ twice when you were both l'Cie."

Then, she smiled sincerely. "And you were worried, back when I showed you my brand. You said you believed it was a lie, but there was concern in your eyes. Fear, too, but you were afraid _for_ me and not _of_ me.

"The Lightning I know might've tried to hide her emotions because she thought they made her weak. But I could always see right through you."

Lightning opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms across her chest. "We're sisters," she said simply. "We grew up together. I'd call that cheating."

At this, Serah let out a laugh. "Call it what you want, sis. But I always know what you're feeling…even when you don't." And with those words, she stepped out of the room to answer a knock at the door, leaving behind a very confused Lightning.

A few moments later, it was as though the noise level in the house had increased twofold. Laughter was heard as two sets of footsteps approached the kitchen, and then Snow popped his head into the room.

"Hey Sis! Up bright and early for once?"

She shot him a glare, which he brushed off easily. "Seems like you're losing your touch," he said offhandedly as he headed towards the fridge to put a bag of vegetables away. "That one didn't scare me at all. Or maybe I'm just getting used to it."

"About time, Snow. You'll be living with this glare all your life now that the two of you are married."

He laughed as he shut the fridge door. "I guess it's a small price to pay."

Lightning finished eating her cereal and stepped over to the sink. As she grabbed the dishcloth, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Snow inch closer to Serah while whispering something in her ear. The younger woman glanced up at him and said something in response. Lightning tried to ignore their almost-silent conversation while she washed her bowl and dried it off, placing it in the dish rack.

When she finally turned around, it seemed as though they had come to an agreement, because Snow had his arm around Serah's shoulders, and Serah's fists were clenched tightly in her apron as she looked down at her feet.

Unable to gauge the reason for her family's strange, stiff behaviour, Lighting simply raised an eyebrow. "Something you two want to tell me?" she asked bluntly.

The way Snow stood up straighter made it evident that she was right. The younger girl continued to fidget with her apron, wringing the cloth between her fingers, before finally letting go and raising her head to meet her older sister's gaze.

"Lightning, we – uh, Snow and I…"

"We-we're having a baby!"

Snow's sudden outburst took them all by surprise; even Snow himself, who immediately clapped both his hands over his mouth. Serah looked equally shocked, but said nothing, instead waiting for her sister's reaction.

In that single instant, a slew of emotions flowed through Lightning's mind. Shock, worry, anger; even happiness, which was surprisingly the most overwhelming of them all. And yet, she found herself unable to respond. It was not as though she had been rendered speechless; rather, she felt as though every emotional response had been sucked out of her soul, leaving behind nothing but a distinct hollowness. She stood there, unmoving, until the burly man standing across from her cleared his throat awkwardly, and she snapped back to reality.

"…congratulations," was all she found herself capable of saying. Serah was still watching her expectantly, and so with some hesitation, she added, "I'm happy for you."

Even as she spoke the words, Lightning did not find herself feeling any happier. In fact, if anything, she felt even hollower inside. Snow didn't seem to notice this as he let out a shout of happiness and pulled both women closer, wrapping them in a tight hug. Serah smiled, but Lightning distinctly noted that it did not reach her eyes, and it filled her with a strange sense of guilt. She remembered the conversation they had been having mere minutes ago.

_'__I always know what you're feeling…even when you don't.'_

The words resonated through her mind, and she froze as the pieces began to fall into place one by one.

_'…__Serah was right. I…I can't feel anymore.'_

* * *

><p>"It's only been a day, and you're already starting to crack. How long do you think you can keep this up?"<p>

Lightning gritted her teeth as Lumina materialised from within the void yet again. "I don't know what you're talking about," she spat in response. "I won't believe a single thing you say, Lumina."

"It really doesn't matter what _I_ say, though," the girl sang in response, skipping in a circle around Lightning. "You're already at war with yourself." She wagged a finger in Lightning's face. "Just give it up, and let those emotions run free."

"No way in _hell_."

Lumina's carefree expression suddenly morphed into a serious one. "I'm doing this for your own good," she said, a strange sadness in her tone. Her words were familiar, Lightning realised. They were Serah's words.

"Now that you and I are one, the old you is gone," Lumina whispered. "You _are_ Claire Farron. You _are_ the old, and the new…and the undiscovered."

She grinned as she began to fade away once again. "And it's about time you started to show it."

* * *

><p><em>So I hope that by this point it's clear that the real Lightning isn't consciously aware of the fact that she is resisting her emotions. I had a lot of fun writing Lumina, as always, and I hope I managed to keep her in character. I know that this fandom is pretty dead by this point, but please do read and review if you can!<em>

_P.S. Did anyone catch the little anime reference I threw into this chapter? :D_


End file.
